


Anxiety Pills

by Sorbet_Shark



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is Extra, Food, Medication, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Nausea, Past Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, The Mindscape, Vomiting, Weight Gain, but they're trying out being friends, they didn't have the best relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22792492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sorbet_Shark/pseuds/Sorbet_Shark
Summary: When Thomas is recommended that he starts taking anxiety medication, Virgil is of course worried. I mean, he's anxiety, of course he's worried. But Logan says it's going to be ok, and Virgil trusts Logan. Virgil hopes that Logan's 100% sure.I'm tired of fics that demonize anxiety or depression meds by making them hurt Virgil. Medication is one of many tools used to combat mental illness, and it's not bad to take them. I'm also not a medical professional, so talk to your doctor about medications and their side effects.TW for common side effects of anxiety medications and also Remus' antics, but like toned down.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 196





	1. The Discussion

"All right, since we're back from the doctors, I need to give a rundown to everyone here." Logan says, pulling out his whiteboard. Patton and Roman stand at their spots, and Virgil at his. Since Deceit and Remus didn't have a spot, they wandered. Currently, Deceit is charming Roman with compliments, and Remus sits a few steps above Virgil, poking his hair and the back of his head.

"So Teach, teach us the scoop!" Roman says, elongating the second 'teach'. "What's up? I wasn't paying attention."

"Of course." Logan lifts his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. "So... to sum it up... Thomas is in good health, we just need to work on diet and exercise. Also, it was suggested that we consider antidepressants alongside the therapy that we already attend."

Virgil blushes and wants to hide as Remus hollers, "Ohhh, good bye Virgil!"

"Remus!" Logan snaps. "Virgil is not going anywhere. What we need to work on is Thomas' overall anxiety levels, which we established aren't ideal. Therapy has helped, but not to the extent that we want it to. Medication for anxiety should help Virgil more than anything. And if it does harm him, we will stop immediately."

"Logan, are you sure?" Patton asks, face dripping with genuine concern. "Virgil is very important, and I just don't... I just don't want him getting hurt."

"If I thought that Medications were dangerous, I wouldn't consider it. Plus, meds don't get _rid_ of anxiety, they give an extra boost to help overcome excessive anxiety. Basically, it is a tool, just like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy." Logan looks towards Patton, who looks satisfied. "So, Virgil, how do you feel about this?"

Virgil, who had been hyperventilating, was able to calm down as Logan talked. "I'm nervous, of course. I... what if it goes wrong? Wait, no 'what if's. It scares me but it's... worth a try."

From there, everyone else agreed. Roman was ecstatic over the idea of more energy for creative endeavors, and Patton had already moved on to planning healthier meals after checking in on Virgil. Remus went on to pester Logan, leaving only Virgil and Deceit in the room.

"Are you sure you want this?" Deceit says softly, dropping his suave facade. "We wouldn't understand if you don't want to. I don't know we're not close anymore, but you can't talk to me if you need it."

It takes Virgil a second to decipher the truth from the lies, and Deceit waits patiently as the gears turn. "I- no, I couldn't do that to you again. You're not my therapist and I don't expect that from you." He sighs, looking at Deceit sadly. There's so much more that he wants to say, at first he missed Deceit so much, then he just hated Deceit, but now he just wanted to be friends with him. "I'm scared, yes, but I'll be ok."

Deceit goes to say something but pauses, thinking. "I want to push you. You can't decide if you want to talk or not, and I don't respect that. I want to hurt you again, you don't still mean anything to me, even though-"

Virgil smiles. "Thanks. I-" He sighs. "I value you as a friend." And with that, they both sunk out.

***

Over the next seven days, Thomas made his choice clear to his doctor and therapist, then he picked up a prescription from the pharmacy.

"So basically, we start with a small dose, check in with how we are in a week or two, and then decide what to do from there." Logan hands Virgil the orange cylinder rattling with pills. "Take one in the morning."

Virgil nods, fidgeting with the cap, half to calm his nerves and half to make sure it works.

"Why don't we have a sleepover! Then we can be there with you in the morning when you take them!" Patton squeals. Virgil smiles. Patton would use any excuse to have a sleepover in the living room. 

***

So, the next morning, as Thomas took the first pill with a glass of water, Virgil did too. Afterwards, Patton made a ton of pancakes and everyone did everything they could to distract Virgil, which definitely worked.


	2. Side Effects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the side effects are becoming more clear as Virgil goes about his day to day routine.

Virgil frowns, head resting on Patton's chest. The knitting needles that Patton holds click, with the beginnings of a scarf brushing against Virgil's face. There was something that Virgil needed to do. Not that he could remember what it was. Everything felt fuzzy. Virgil just couldn't remember. Without stopping his knitting, Patton clears his throat. "Kiddo, what's up?"

Shoot, Virgil forgot Patton can sense the other sides' emotions. "I just... I don't know... Something."

"Well, that's ok, how about we talk about what's making you worried or upset? Then we can figure it out from there?"

"But that's the thing!" Virgil shoots up, tangling himself in the yarn. "I'm not really feeling anxious! I just... Don't remember! I'm frustrated." He grumbles.

Patton instantly scrambles to untangle the yarn from around Virgil. Virgil does his best to stay still so that the yarn doesn't get more tangled, and Patton eventually separates his yarn from the side and puts it on the coffee table.

"Do you think it has to do with the meds?" Patton scrunches his nose. "Oh! you're talking to Logan today about side effects!" Virgil nods slowly. Yeah, that's it. Logan. "I honestly think the meds are great! I'm feeling better, I think. I've been keeping a journal, LoLo said it was a good idea! It's just an upward... I don't know what it's called. Exponential?"

Virgil nods. Now that he thinks about it, he has noticed some changes since the first pill three weeks ago. While he was feeling less anxious as a whole, the forgetting thing was becoming a problem. Once, when Patton asked him to do the dishes, he completely forgot until several hours later when he heard dishes being cleaned. Virgil didn't even remember what he had for breakfast. Now that he thinks about it though, it was toast. Or maybe that was yesterday. Virgil prides himself on his memory, he is sharp as a tack. Fight or flight, am I right? It's just, not right now. In fact, Virgil would rather chill on the couch, maybe with a bowl of icecream. Virgil had never been a snack person, but he just found himself having more junk food lately. In fact, he can still taste the fritos on his breath. Maybe that could also be connected to the meds. As well as that, the snacks or the meds might be messing with him physically. His hoodie, that used to hang off of him loosely, was now tight around his arms. Every once in a while, He would need to get up and pull down the hoodie to cover his stomach. Speaking of, he pulls his hoodie down.

"So, kiddo, what do you think?" Patton looks at him expectantly.

"Yeah, totally." Virgil says quickly.

"I knew you'd agree!" Patton grins. "I'll work out the logistics to mixing crocheting and knitting, I want to add that puppy and kitten!"

"You do that, Popstar, I'm gonna get a Klondike bar, want me to get you one?" Virgil nods, standing up.

Patton considers that for a second. "If there are still mint chocolate ones then yeah, otherwise I'm good."

***

Virgil opens the freezer, grinning when he sees the box of mint chip klondike bars. He grabs it, sliding the remaining bars into his hand. Two bars fall out of the box, plus... Spiders. "Remus! Where are you?"

There's a poof behind Virgil and he spins around. "What, you wanted to scare Patton?"

"Yes! It's getting too chummy here! Gotta shake things up! Like a lavalamp... full of BLOOD!" Virgil shudders at the image.

"I mean, dude, better luck next time?" Virgil shrugs, tucking the spiders into his hood. He usually lets spiders ride in his pocket, but the pockets are stretched a bit tight. As long as Patton can't see.

"Catch!" Virgil tosses the bar over. Peeling open his own, he takes a bite of his own. A good mint chocolate Klondike bar, but the insides are red. "Remus messed with the box, but they seem fine."

"Thanks kiddo!" Patton pretends to swoon. "My hero! Saving me from the box monsters!"

"Jokes on you," Remus shouts from the other room. "I like that and I'm gonna use it."

"Oh Pat," Virgil rolls his eyes in mock annoyance. "Now we have to watch the floor for box monsters. And probably Remus. Ok, I'm going to go talk to Logan."

***

"I understand your concerns. Those side effects seem unpleasant." Logan looks up from his notepad. "With treatments, from what I've heard, we need to weigh the side effects with the disease itself, but if we are unhappy with the side effects, we can consider a different medication. If it works better, that's perfect; if it works worse we can switch back."

Virgil nods slowly. "I... Thanks L, I appreciate that. I... yeah."

"Any questions?" Logan says, clearly in teacher-mode.

"No, but I think Patton is feeling pretty good, he didn't mention any side effects but I didn't ask. Has any other sides had effects from it?"

"I have a working hypothesis that, though each and every side is effected by the medication, you get the brunt of the effects. I assume that Patton would probably be the so-called runner-up because he is the hub of all of of Thomas' emotions. I will talk to every other side separately to check on them. I personally have felt the 'fogginess' that you have described, but to a lesser extent. I believe that all of us have at least a slightly increased appetite, and have been gaining some weight."

"Good to know. I guess it can wait until we see the doctor next, but thanks for listening to my concerns. I'll get going." Logan smiles and waves. Virgil tries to put it out of his mind, which he has been getting better at over the past few months, and went downstairs to chill out on the couch.


	3. Things Get Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a different medication, there are different and worse side effects.
> 
> TW: Virgil throws up, they all argue, dizziness and headaches

After interviewing the rest of the sides, Logan decided that the side effects were bothersome enough to mention at Thomas’ next appointment, who understood and prescribed a different medication to try. They all hoped for better results, especially Virgil. However, as time went on, he started feeling worse. He hoped it was a cold, hoped it would just blow over then everything would be fine. But when has anything ever been easy. All Virgil could do was go through the song and dance of being ok. This is ok, everything is ok.

Virgil is lost in thought, leg tapping restlessly and hands tugging on his hoodie strings, as the movie ends. He’s wedged between Roman and Remus on the comfy couch (Patton’s last-ditch effort to keep the two from arguing with each other or complaining about the seating layout), while Logan, Patton, and Janus are splayed on an air mattress on the floor. A particularly loud crunch from whatever the hell Remus is eating as a movie snack snaps Virgil back to attention. He hadn’t realized how grating the movie, combined with the other side’s chatter, was right now. Rubbing his eyes, he tries to get rid of the on-and-off ache in his head. His cold hands do something to sooth the pain, so he considers it a win and looks at the screen. If it were earlier, the bright light of the screen would have made the headache worse, but that’s what Tylenol is for.

Oftentimes, Virgil has learned, physical issues are lessened by focusing on something else. What else is there other than the movie? He certainly didn’t want to focus on the round of rock-paper-scissors going on over his head. This movie was Janus’ choice, which made a ton of sense considering it was a documentary on King Cobras. Virgil wasn’t a hundred percent sure what was happening, but a few dozen baby snakes were crawling from their nest into the forest as “Can’t Help Falling in Love (With You)” plays in the background. In his confusion, Virgil made the mistake of ignoring the twins on both sides.

It started, like most fights in the mindscape do, with an argument between the twins. Virgil wasn’t sure what started it. It could have been anything, a disagreement over the movie, snacks, even a video idea for later. But, whatever it was, Virgil ended up on the floor.

“Roman! Remus! Stop it this instant!” Patton yells.

Janus glares at Roman and Patton. “Remus didn’t do anything wrong this time.”

“Everyone, let’s talk this out.” Logan says harshly.

As everyone begins to yell, Virgil stands up, grinding his teeth and clenching and unclenching his fists. “ ** _Shut up!_** ” He slips into his tempest tongue, ignoring the way the world sways around him and the way his head pounds. “ _ **You all need to be quiet!**_ ” The noise ceases, yet the swaying doesn’t.

“Virgil, are you... ok?” Patton frowns. It’s like worry radiates off him.

“ _ **No! I am not ok!**_ ” Virgil snaps. “ ** _Everything’s spinning and everything hurts and-_** ” Virgil clasps his hands to his mouth. He knows this feeling, the spit rushing to his mouth, the pressure at the back of his throat. Remus and Janus know too, long before Virgil went to stay with the Light Sides, Virgil’s anxiety got like this. Janus and Remus exchange a quick glance before Remus jumps into action, putting his empty snack bowl in front of Virgil’s face. Relief flashes in front of Virgil’s eyes as he moves his hands, wiping them on his jeans, and grabs the bowl, puking. As soon as he’s done, Remus whisks the bowl away, and Janus leads Virgil by the shoulder towards the couch. As soon as his hands had left the bowl, they were covering his eyes. “ _ **I’m sorry,**_ ” Virgil murmurs, though still in his tempest tongue.

“It’s ok, Spider,” Janus rubs Virgil’s shoulders. Virgil flinches, this is the first time Janus had called Virgil Spider since- But it feels so nice to be comforted. “Everything will be ok.”

***

Logan decided to give Virgil some time to breathe before presenting a game plan. More like Patton had made him, leading him to his room so that Virgil could have some space. As the others left, Remus brought a mug of tea and Janus brought the weighted blanket long forgotten in the Dark Side’s common area. “Thanks Rem and Jan,” Virgil murmurs, sipping on the tea. “I didn’t mean to freak out.”

“Virgil.” Janus says sternly. “It isn’t your fault. I’m sorry that you felt the need to suffer in silence. You know how important self care is.”

“Also!” Remus bursts in. “Roman was making faces, but I shouldn’t have reacted! But yeah, Virgey, we love you!”

“Thank you Remus,” Virgil smiles weakly. “And you’re right Janus, I should have been more open about how I was feeling. I just wanted to pretend that the meds were working.”

Janus sinks down to the floor, leaning against the coffee table. “It’s ok to want that, we all do, but we gotta look out for ourselves.”

“I’m going to go blow stuff up, feel better.” Remus excuses himself. Virgil salutes and Janus waves briefly. Virgil and Janus fall into a comfortable silence for the first time in a long time, as Virgil nods off.

***

“This was a dramatic way to bridge the topic,” Logan pushes up his glasses, a nervous tic. “But I think we need to change our medication. Clearly, we are far more on edge now, and Virgil is displaying more severe symptoms of anxiety than at least I have ever seen.”

Virgil, still slightly grumpy from being awoken, grumbles, “Yeah, yeah, so are we going back to the first one?”

Logan pauses, thinking, deciding how to phrase his response. “Well, I personally do not believe that we should go back to the first medication. We can talk to our doctor in a few days? We do have a follow up appointment to check the side effects the day after tomorrow.”

“Ok, Kiddo,” Patton grins. “I’m glad that we have you to be so on top of this!”

Logan stares at Patton point blank. “I’m as old as you.”

“Ok, ok, ok,” Roman butts in. He’s heard this conversation before. “So, what is the game plan until then?”

“I believe that both Janus and I can agree that we must engage in self care, ‘take it easy’ as one might say. We will continue to take the medication until we get information from our doctor as to what steps we take next.” Logan lectures. Virgil wonders at how easily Logan can slip into ‘teacher mode’.

“Thanks, Logan.” Virgil nods. “I’ll take that into account. For now I think I’m going to take a nap.” The others agree, slowly trickling off until it’s just Virgil and Janus. Janus turns to leave, but lingers.

“Take it easy, Spider.”

“Will do.” Virgil moves to get comfortable on the couch. It doesn’t take too long for Virgil to doze off, and he gets the best night’s sleep that he’s had all week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that i'm not a doctor and only really know what I remember being told by medical professionals.
> 
> also btw the next chapter is the last and it'll be a happy ending (wow this is the first time I've ever gotten to the end of a fic)
> 
> let me know how it is or if you're enjoying it
> 
> btw, idk if anyone was interested but I'm basing a lot of Virgil's symptoms on things I've felt and experienced with anxiety, my experience isn't universal. But most of the side effects i just searched online, every person's experience with medication is different. I'm just rambling at this point


	4. The Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking good for Virgil.
> 
> This is it, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> TW: Food, playing with food, remus-typical behavior

Virgil can’t tell if it’s the new medication or the constant near-smothering attention, but he’s actually feeling good. Like, sure, he’s probably more anxious than the average person, he’s Anxiety, but everything feels manageable. With this freedom, it’s almost trivially easy to calm down Thomas. Or, let Logan or Patton or Janus calm down Thomas. Virgil was never great at the whole ‘calm down Thomas’ thing. He mostly just balanced out the anxiety, making sure that he could function and that Thomas wasn’t getting the brunt of the nerves. But now everything was easier.

Virgil wonders if that means he’s obsolete. After all, he was putting out less effort and Thomas was doing better. At least it was easier to fight the nagging worries. Though he did have the others to assure him that he wasn’t a burden, he was able to remind himself in a way that stuck. Which was honestly great.

“Do you ever think about your purpose? Mine? Thomas’?” Virgil asks sleepily, lying belly-up on Roman’s ridiculously plush carpet.

Though Virgil cannot see Roman’s face, he can almost hear the gears turn. “Slay the monsters?” He suggests, and Virgil snickers. “I know, I know, it isn’t very realistic, but I didn’t mean literally. I mean, like, the monsters… are… society? Death? I dunno. I’m drawing back to Tommy Salami’s half-baked English essays, sue me.”

“The monsters are homophobes and the sword is gay rights.” Virgil drawls, smiling when he hears Roman’s airy chuckle. “But seriously, I think my purpose has changed. Or at least it wasn’t what I thought it was.”

“Oh? Please elaborate.”

“Well, I guess it started all the way back when I… y’know…”

“Ducked out?”

“Yeah” Virgil cringes at the memory. “I can’t believe I ever thought that was a good idea. But anyway, we all thought that I just gave Thomas anxiety, right? But I don’t. I’m not sure what I do do-”

Roman snorts “Doo doo.”

  
  


Virgil sits up, pretending to be upset but grinning widely. “Honestly, Ro, I thought we were having a moment.”

“And they say I’m the dramatic one.” Roman mutters, smiling back. “But seriously, you’re like… the lancer! That’s it!”

“The… what?” Virgil quirks an eyebrow.

Roman does his best Logan impression. “The name comes from Medieval Times, where they weren’t as prestigious or rich as knights because they used ranged weapons, but they were just as skilled. In this analogy, I’m the knight.”

“Thanks,” Virgil draws out the syllable.

“No, wait!” Roman cries. “I’m not done! Basically Lancers are the second hand, just as skilled and a foil for the Hero. So, like, you’ll call me out on shit? And you’re powerful. And you can do stuff that none of the other sides are willing to do!” Roman says, getting more excited and confident as he goes.

“Oh… kay... I guess that makes sense.” Virgil muses. “While you’re headstrong and, no offense, careless,” Roman sputters, about to defend himself before frowning and nodding, muttering about how it was true but he didn’t need to call him out on it. “I make sure that we understand our surroundings and recognize possible dangers? I think I like that, where did you even get the idea for Lancers?”

Roman grins. “Well, thank you. Remember when Thomas watched Overly Sarcastic Productions before writing a few years ago? I came across some of Red’s Trope Talks in the memory, I found it fascinating…” But before Virgil can hear Roman finish, his eyelids are getting heavy and he feels himself sink down onto the carpet, and before he knows it, he’s asleep.

***

When Virgil wakes, he is covered in a blanket and a sticky note is taped to his forehead.

_ I got bored and hungry and went down to breakfast. Come join us when you’re ready. _

_ ~ Roman _

Virgil smiles, it sure was nice of Princey to give him a blanket. Virgil doesn’t feel the need to get ready, despite his killer bedhead and morning breath, so he pulls on his hoodie. Flapping his arms, the sleeves slide over his hands giving the side a pair of sweater paws. Virgil cannot forget how loved he is, as soon as he mentioned his discomfort with the close fitting of his hoodie, Patton and Roman got to work making a new oversized replica.  _ Every stitch was sewn with love _ , Virgil muses, looking at the heart sewn on the inside of his wrist, and his initials upside down next to the pockets so that he can read them. As Virgil’s stomach growls, he shakes his head, clearing it like a child would shake an etch-a-sketch to get a blank slate. Now, Virgil needs food. 

He pushes the door open and pads down the hallway, listening to the sound of the others’ chatter and mouth watering at the smell of waffles. Stepping down the stairs, Virgil calls out, muffling a yawn.

“Hey, guys, I’m up.”

“Virgil!” Patton calls, followed by an assortment of greetings with a variety of levels of energy. “I put your plate in the oven to keep it warm, it’s already drenched in lavender syrup and maple syrup so it’s soggy.”

“Thanks Popstar, just how I love them!” He pulls the plate out carefully, surveying the table. Roman and Remus were the only ones who weren’t close to finished eating, but only because they had started making sticky breakfast forts on their plates, near ready to fling beans from sausage catapults and trebuchets. Logan reads the paper, trying to ignore the storm brewing next to him. Janus savors a cup of tea as Patton works to finish his serving. He had likely gotten a late start from making all the food. Virgil loops back to the kitchen to fill a glass of grape juice.

“So L,” Virgil says between bites, making sure to wipe his face so no syrup sticks around his mouth. “What’s the plan for today?”

Logan looks down, folding the newspaper and grabbing his coffee mug to sip from. “I am glad you asked, Virgil. Would you like me to start now, or would you like to wait until after you eat and they-” He gestures to Roman and Remus. “Finish whatever they are planning?”

“Whaaat?” Remus looks up from shaping toast into a little knight. “Don’t let  _ us _ stop  _ you _ from saying all the  _ juicy _ stuff.”

Roman frowns, waving a hand and his mess jumps back into place so he can continue eating. Virgil glares across the table, though the glare holds no malice. “Don’t say juicy like that!”

Remus goes to respond but Logan cuts in, knowing that if he doesn’t, he won’t get another word out for some time. “Today is the followup appointment to check on how this current medication is working for us now. That is at two, so until then we should probably either do chores or work on the next challenge video idea.”

“Wow!” Patton squeals. “You know what that means?” Everyone looks confused. “It means we’ve been on these meds for two weeks with no problems!”

“Yes, I was going to bring that up.” Logan gives a rare grin. “While there are side effects, like increased appetite and mild fatigue, I believe they are manageable. If anyone has any concerns, please bring them up now.” A pregnant pause fills the room. “Ah, I thought so. Virgil, do you have anything to say, positive or negative?”

“I mean, I’m feeling great.” Virgil sputters on a mouthful of waffle, chewing and swallowing before continuing. “The whole… cognitive distortions?” Logan nods at the word choice. “They’re easier to deal with, or at least to get help dealing with them. I’m feeling good.”

“Aww, Virg, I’m so proud of you!” Patton claps him on the back.

“Woo! Go Virg!” Roman cheers as Remus fist bumps the table loudly and, by the looks of it, painfully.

“Yes, lovely.” Janus says in a way that sounds dismissive but Virgil recognizes as sincere. “Now, Logan, it’s my turn to do the dishes, so pardon my reach.”

And so the others go on with their business, finishing breakfast and cleaning up. Eventually, the doctor agrees that this dosage and brand seems to be working, and to continue to keep an eye on it. Though, of course, there are still plenty of ups and downs, and many bad days, Virgil can’t help but feel better prepared to deal with them. After all, Virgil isn’t alone, and help is all around him when he needs it. But for now, Virgil just wants to relish the time spent around his famILY as they celebrate this victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, this was fun! I hope y'all enjoyed
> 
> there's probably something else I could do, maybe a sequel or prequel?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> If I did well, let me know! If I sucked, yell at me in the comments! Have any thoughts? Feel free to share!
> 
> Let me state again, I'm not a doctor, and if you think you might need meds, do your own research and talk to a doctor.


End file.
